It's a public holiday today, and I feel like doing nothing.
Last night, I took the route from the train station to my home on foot. It's been a while since I last had the opportunity to stroll on my own under darkening sky. The last time I did, I spoke to the stars and begged them to take my heartache away.
I miss talking to myself, I miss having quiet time on my own in not so quiet places. Watching what's familiar and what isn't, bustle as I silently observe from a distance, as if invisible. I miss when I was free to disappear for a while.
I'm dreading the weekend. I'm dreading the thought that on Sunday, I'd have to meet up with people I no longer could relate on a personal, intimate level, for an afternoon of forced fun. I hate how I'm fearful of saying "No". I hate how terrible I am with white lies. I hate how as much as I want some people out of my life permanently, I don't know how to go about doing so in a manner so subtle yet effective that does not lead to any form of confrontation.
I hate feeling guilty for feeling all these things and having all these thoughts.
oh, i can relate to that strongly... i remember feeling the exact same.
ReplyDeletei hope it's going to get better for you. keep your head up - you are going to find your way! :)
Thank you Caro, I hope so too. :)
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